WHEN IN DOUBT

Clean. Organize. Fold. Wash dishes. Put clothes away. Do the laundry. Clean the fridge. Reorganize a closet. Find some beautiful music (Pete Bradshaw on Pandora as of late). Turn off the tv. Weed a garden. Turn the phone to silent. Complete one task you have been meaning to get to. Distract yourself from yourself and all of that time to reflect. The solution to self- doubt and disarray is this for me. If and when I force myself to take that first step from immobility off the couch and propel myself into a task, a menial task that distracts my non-stop washing machine brain as of late then I reap the rewards when it is done. I light a candle, sit back on the couch and do what injects calm into my soul, I write, I read, I finish the Sunday times. I stop obsessing about the what ifs where I am never comfortable. In fact I so seldom go there that when I visit the island of What If, I do not enjoy the trip. It is foreign to me actually so I think that its unplanned destiny is magnified because it is unfamiliar territory. Kind of like female driving alone, getting lost at night with no phone service looking for a gas station. Get the point? I am usually the person who leans into change and movement with gusto and I can fix anything mentality. I know this to be true. I know these feelings are a normal part of recovery from two hours on the operating table and doped up with anesthesia, followed by narcotics and antibiotics followed by bruising and being tired. This is the perfect recipe for self doubt; though maybe self doubt isn’t the best word to describe, more like feelings of being really overwhelmed at the notion of what needs to be done. The lists never end. I fantasize about the day I can cease technology, cease social media, cease having to reinvent the way I do my business to keep up with the never changing methods of communicating my business. I am exhausted by myself on occasion and it is this feeling that makes me want to “stop the world I want to get off.” A phrase from a musical in 1961, way before Facebook and all of the other shenanigans became a part of our daily thinking of necessities. What world did they want to get off?

I have always worked best under the pressure of chaos, and when there is no chaos, which in fact should be a desire, I am lackluster. So the question is do I create the chaos by my own energy field? Or once I accomplish my infinite tasks, the settled and peaceful feeling is so foreign to me that I am unsure how to lean into it. Hmmm, let me think about this. Is this my cross to bear?

Taking a break from myself yesterday, my partner and I did a favorite Sunday afternoon date; we went to Eli’s for brunch in Warren, RI, then over to the Coffee Depot for a nice cup of tea and to finish the paper and finally a walk over to Second Story Theatre to see The Boys Next Door. http://2ndstorytheatre.com/show/boys-next-door/

I have seen this play before at Trinity Repertory Theatre in Providence probably over twenty years ago. It is a joyful chaotic blend of laughing and crying and all of the emotion in between. I love local theatre, especially well done local theatre. I couldn’t believe there were seats available for this show. It is one that shouldn’t be missed (shameless plug here-tickets thurs-sats at 7:30 and my favorite Sundays at 2:30) and I sat there feeling calm and happy with my partner and more importantly so grateful. I think what happens when my head starts spinning in What If land, gratitude is my equalizer. Why do I forget this? Lack of movement amplifies these What If thoughts and has the ability to immobilize. The interesting piece of this is that I know it is happening, I know what I need to do to detour it, but it takes me too much effort to consider the way out. I am grateful that I know what to do and I most always figure out a way to take that step, but the before the step is painful. Ahh life coming at us. There are no guarantees that the flowers will bloom, but I do know that they usually do and this is enough.